Self-Care Kit: 4 Tools to Practice Care when Feeling Overwhelmed
self-care kit
4 tools to practice care when feeling overwhelmed
It seems like everyone talks about self-care, but what does that actually look like, especially when we are already feeling overwhelmed? How do we actually know when we’re doing self-care and when we’re not? In moments when we are feeling especially down or panicked or challenged, it can be even more difficult to know how to put the pieces together. “Self-care” might feel like the last thing we want to reach for, but I trust that wherever you are in your process, whatever you may be feeling and thinking right now, underneath it all, you want to feel whole and centered and cared for.
So, here I am, making this list just for you. A collection of tools you can use to get from that difficult place to wherever you want to go- a gift to your higher, deeper, and more whole self. I’m writing this because I want that for you, too, and I’m determined to help you get there. <3
Let’s get started, then?
1. check in
Okay, so, it’s time to check in.
The first thing you need to know: everything you are feeling and thinking right now is meaningful. You are not overreacting. Your feelings make sense. Your experiences are valid and real.
Know this. Receive it deeply in yourself. Pause and reread these sentences, trying to feel them more and more each time.
- Everything I feel right now is meaningful.
- I am not overreacting.
- My feelings make sense.
- My experiences are valid.
- My experiences are real.
You may find it helpful or healing to say these words to yourself. To write them out. Sing them. Whatever it takes to get them from individual letters and into something you can feel in yourself. These aren’t just my words; they are yours, too. Claim them. Let them be personal. How much do you believe them?
Don’t move on until you feel something move in yourself when you hear/read/say/write these words; part of checking in is slowing down and allowing yourself space to just be where you are.
Another part of checking in is making sure your essential needs are taken care of. Ask yourself these questions as a way to check in with your body + spirit’s immediate needs:
- When’s the last time you ate something substantial?
- When’s the last time you drank water?
- Are you breathing – not just shallow, but deeply?
- How safe do you feel where you are?
- What does your body feel like – warm, tense, quiet, restless?
And as you’re asking these questions, make sure to actually address any needs you’re noticing coming up. If you haven’t gotten food or water, go and do that now (if you don’t currently have access, go to part 3 of this list). If you notice you haven’t been breathing deeply, stop and take a few minutes to just breathe – see how much you can fill up your lungs before pushing the air back out, inhaling calm and clarity and exhaling tension.
Once you’ve checked in with yourself, you will be able to more clearly assess where you are and what needs to change. Now, take a moment to be proud of this work you’re doing! Gifting yourself the time and space to feel what you’re feeling is important; helping take care of your body, especially, means it can collaborate in helping you find what you need. You deserve to breathe, to feel safe and taken care of, and it’s awesome that you are choosing to honor your needs, even when it’s tough.
2. follow feelings
So, what’s next?
Listening to yourself. What’s going on in your internal story? What kinds of things are you saying to yourself? What are you saying about what you feel?
Sometimes my internal story sounds like me saying over and over “I feel hurt”, and so I look to what is hurting in the moment. Sometimes if I look a little deeper, it’s “I’m angry”, mixed with “I feel disappointed” or “I feel lied to” – then I know that I need to identify what promise wasn’t fulfilled in my mind, what I feel let down about. Sometimes “I feel unwanted”, and so I seek ways to affirm that I am wanted and appreciated and celebrated by those I feel closest to.
Your first thought may be “I don’t know” or perhaps one thousand things come to mind immediately. Either way, you really do know what you want and need, even if it is covered up by other things; sometimes, without being fully aware, we are saying we don’t know because that feels less painful and we feel unprepared for what we suspect is true. You will need to be honest with yourself if you are going to collaborate in finding meaningful self-care for yourself. Once you are listening more deeply to what you feel, all we need to do is figure out what to do about it.
One practice I use with myself very, very often is in adjusting my current situation little by little. When everything is feeling like a lot, too much, I just start by doing what does seem within reach.
I ask myself: what do my feelings lead me to – what do I feel like I want right now, in this moment?
If something comes up immediately and it feels safe and accessible, I will go for that. But sometimes no answer comes immediately, so I go to even more approachable questions. I think of one specific thing I can do and I ask:
Does this feel more supportive, or more painful/upsetting?
This does not need to be a massive life decision; keep focused on the small things. If I’m lying in bed feeling especially down, I talk with myself:
“Are you feeling more like changing things or being where you are?”
“I don’t know.”
“Hmm. Well, what about putting our feet on the floor – does that feel more supportive, or more painful/upsetting?”
“I don’t know. I think more comforting, though I don’t really feel like getting out of bed.”
“Well, let’s do that first and see how that feels.”
“It feels nice. My feet feel tingly and grounded on the floor. I feel more here.”
Then, I might ask myself about adjusting the fan. More supportive or more upsetting? Stepping outside for just one minute – more supportive or more painful? Looking up a comedian I know I like on YouTube – more supportive or more difficult?
I adjust one thing at a time, letting myself remain in anything that feels really right for me and shifting out of anything that feels wrong. When I don’t know what to do, I start with the smallest decisions I feel I can make to change my situation, reclaiming my agency and my comfort.
When you aren’t sure what to do, you actually are sure – in a world that demands that we not feel what we really feel, trust your feelings and let them guide you to something more supportive.
3. ask for help
And now, become aware that you are not alone in working through this process. Remember that there are others around you who care and may be available and prepared to help you.
Many of us have grown up and lived our lives so far being told (and telling ourselves) that we should be independent, but there is nothing noble about being determined to suffer by yourself. You do not need to prove to anyone that you can get through this by yourself; you will not get an award or commendation for seeing how much you can carry before breaking. You have resources available, and using them simply means that you are committed to finding the care you deserve.
Nor are you a burden to anyone. Even if you feel like it’s imposing to ask others to help you in times of need (or just want), remember that they generally have the agency/ability to say what they will and won’t do. Let them make that decision for themselves.
So, pause now and think of one thing that another person could give you. An affirmation of something you need to hear. A ride somewhere safer. 5 minutes of just listening, or an hour. A laugh, when you are struggling to find one. A hug, kiss, or other expression of care that you can receive. Something to distract you. A video of what they’re doing in that moment, to help you feel closer. This may or may not be something you can give to yourself, but again, that’s not the point; accept what others are willing and able to give, and devote your energy to the things they can’t or won’t do.
So, what are you waiting for? Reach out to someone who can help you process your thoughts and feelings.
- Who do I know who is awake right now?
- What am I asking them to do?
- The thing I’m asking for, what will it do for me? (you don’t always need to answer this, but it can be helpful!)
Imagine that this person (among many) wants to help you and is trying to figure out how to do so; help them be someone who can care for you. Ask for the help you deserve!
4. know your trauma
Okay, now that you’ve had a moment to breathe and recollect and process some of what you’re experiencing – let’s make something to gift to future you! (if you’re not feeling centered yet, feel free to come back to this one at another time; don’t rush yourself to feel ready immediately, especially as this part is somewhat longer and more conceptual.)
Self-care most serves you when it is consistent and pre-emptive; it’s okay if you get caught off guard (it will happen!) but in order to establish a practice that can take care of you more constantly, preparing for future experiences is important.
In tool #1 in this list, “check in”, I started with an affirmation that everything we experience and feel is meaningful. Now, I want to take that further, to bring it to something more nuanced and honest. While it is true that each of our experiences is valid, we can also learn really painful and problematic ways of putting those experiences together into a story (thus why we check in with that in tool #2 in this list!). When we arrive at a place of feeling overwhelmed, it is often related to our trauma – the stories we tell about what our experiences have meant, mean, and will mean to us. We are animals who learn from what we experience in the world, and it is important that we trust what we observe while understanding that a central part of our agency is in our ability to intentionally put our observations together.
In other words: your experiences are real, and so are the consequences of how you relate to them.
With everything you experience, you learn something about the world and your place in it. When we choose to claim agency around our trauma, it doesn’t mean that we are erasing what we have experienced and leaving behind parts of our life or selves; it means that we are acknowledging those experiences for what they are while also acknowledging that we are more than those experiences. Your work is to sort out if that learning you’ve done so far is more limiting you or more facilitating your current intentions and growth, if there are more ways for you to exist in relation to your experiences (hint: there are, because you are magick!) It is about acknowledging a place where our trauma has claimed us, and allowing ourselves to understand it as one of many ways we can exist – something which we crafted and which served us in the past but may not be fully serving us now. That is something you can decide in each moment.
As a queer, Black vegan femme person who moves about the world in a very gentle and sensitive way, across my life experience, it has been rare to find any space that has been prepared as safe and affirming for me. And so nearly all of my self-care centers around reclaiming that, the experiences that have played a major part in my trauma/learning.
For example, I have prepared a literal self-care kit which I take almost everywhere I go: a bookbag containing a blanket, pillow, ear plugs, headphones, juice, nausea medicine, paints, brushes, paper, several books, crystals, snacks, my oracle cards, and at least one set of mala prayer beads. (If you meet me in person, you will almost certainly see me with this bag of items, either in full or in part.) If this sounds somewhat like a collection of items you’d prepare for a child going to daycare, it’s because I am a child; there are many, many parts of my early life experiences (ways I first learned to create and find meaning) that I am still working through and I give myself permission to do that in whatever way makes sense to me, every. single. day. In every moment. I am impatient and demanding and cry easily about what I feel, like a child, and I let myself be with every part of that process; I take pride in how devoted I am to what my child-self needs. I am still growing and so I make it a priority to prepare the tools, resources, and care I need to keep growing.
What kinds of things does your child-self need? What do you need to help you keep growing right now?
Sometimes, that looks like being aware that I am really sensitive to noise, and separating myself from anything that feels overstimulating. I take naps when I am tired, regardless of where I am or the time of day. If a certain scene in a movie or a song on the radio brings up sharp, painful memories, I turn it off immediately, giving myself permission to leave it until I feel more ready – perhaps months or years later.
I organise my life in a way that facilitates my own, personal healing and allows me to reclaim what has hurt across my experiences, so that I hurt less and thrive more. My self-care kit is a way of responding directly to trauma. A gift I craft for myself.
In preparing a self-care kit for yourself, ask:
- What do I find especially painful or difficult for me – might this be a trigger?
- Which challenges am I working on now?
- Which challenges am I setting aside until another moment? (it may be helpful to clarify when you intend to pick them back up.)
- What can I prepare for future situations where I feel similarly challenged? (be specific about items, affirmations, or other things you can do, so that you don’t need to think about it in that moment in the future!)
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To some, the way I practice self-care is “excessive” and “unrealistic”, but I do it because I know that I deserve to heal in whatever way feels right, to seek whatever helps me make sense of my existence on this painful and noisy earth; I find it radical to love myself intensely in a world that asks me to do anything but that. If excessive and unrealistic care is what it takes, then I am devoted to that work, for myself and for all of us.
The more you understand about your own story and what is difficult and painful for you, the more you can understand why those pains (re)appear in the first place. With reflection and devoted practice, you will be prepared to practice care not only in the moments when it feels like too much, but also aware of recurring feelings and potential pains before you get to that point.
Trust yourself. Listen deeply, and honestly. Honor every part of the process. With every step, you are ever closer to claiming the care you have always deserved.
With love and light,
Amani
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This article is devoted to Daniela, who – every day – shows me how to nurture a vibrant, honest, magickal love with myself and who gives me hope that a gentler world is not very far away at all.
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Thank you for taking the time to witness my process, and your own; I hope this may serve you in your journey towards deeper healing. If you think this list may help someone in need, please share it with them – perhaps even offer to work through it with them, if you feel able!
Amani Michael
intuit.hue founder + guide
