Reinventing Yourself - How to Become a New You
reinventing yourself
how to become a new you
i have never understood the phrase "this is just how i am". whenever i hear it, i feel a heat rise into my face and a sense of confusion forming over my brow. i often feel irritated and confused when i see someone denying parts of themself.
when i dig into the phrase, what i find underneath is: "i am this way because i have been this way". people usually say it in response to someone else pointing out a harmful or limiting ("toxic") trait in them, or how they could grow. people say it almost automatically, reactively, similar to how they say "you shouldn't try to change a person" and "this is how i've always been".
i think most people don't realise what they're really saying with these phrases, even when it is pointed out to them. what pains me most about it is thinking that someone really believes they are only one thing, rather than a multitude of selves.
it would be especially tragic if - choosing one thing from all the possibilities - we could only be things that we've already been.
across my life, i have been so many people. some versions have come more easily and some i continue to struggle to embody, each day. i have been michael, a name my parents gave to me to celebrate the high achiever they envisioned. later, i found myself as amani, a giver of gifts, and i began this website to widely share healing insights with others. some years after, i found myself again as ahn, meaning 'pure' - i started making more careful decisions about who i shared my gifts with and investing more devotion in my spiritual practice. miyeau helps me explore bliss, pleasure, laughter, and play.
each year, i have continued to learn about each of these people (and others), and i know very clearly that without them, i would not be able to find all the healing i've found. in this article, i want to share with you some of the process i use to welcome forward a "new" part of me. i want to help you realise that there are many versions/shape inside each of us: the shapes we became to process trauma, the shapes we are when we feel most safe, the shapes we hope to still be, the shapes that are sleeping, that we are not yet aware of.
who would you like to become? what would a more healed 'you' look like? let's figure out how to welcome that person forward.
talk differently
when welcoming a new me forward, i find the first thing that needs to change is how i speak. with myself, and with others.
because changing parts of ourselves is a very vulnerable and messy process, i find that it is necessary to speak both gentler and firmer with yourself: gentler because this process requires softness to help us feel safe continuing to be vulnerable, and firmer because our new selves need structure and limits. without gentleness, we can be overly punishing of ourselves and close off the desire to explore. and without firmness, we may find ourselves feeling that the new self is inconsequential, unsubstantial, that it doesn't mean anything.
one way we can speak gently and firmly is to talk in a way that emphasises how the "new" you is already present, how you already have the traits you are building - speaking presently. speaking presently means phrasing things as "this is where i am right now" and "(in the past), i have been". this practice allows space for us to process harmful self-talk and "imposter syndrome", a socially conditioned feeling that tells us we are faking. for example:
instead of saying "i can't trust myself", explore saying "i am learning that having clear, actionable steps is important for who i'm becoming"
"i'm not smart enough" can become "there are still so many things for me to learn - i am thankful to not be out of options for ways i can grow!"
"this is too complicated" might be "this question is actually multiple questions; it's going to take more time to respond to each" or "i am newly realising the difficulty of this task - fortunately, i can do difficult things!"
"i had a cheat day" can be gently and firmly expressed as "i have made a decision that didn't reflect what's most important to me now" or perhaps "i am noticing that i feel a need to hide my desires for things that comfort me; what can comfort me while honoring this new self?"
many parts of society have taught us we cannot become something we are not, but i truly believe that we are creatures of many, many possibilities - if we adjust our narrative to say "i am this already, this is already in me; i simply need to find/remember this part of me", we can uncover and reclaim pieces of self that guide us towards higher healing. our readiness to gently and firmly hold space for a new self should be reflected in the words we share with ourselves and others.
move differently
the next hardest step in welcoming a new self forward is making different decisions in our day-to-day. what kinds of decisions? every decision. i believe, while we are first learning to become a new us, we benefit most from looking for how to integrate that person's process into every decision we make.
i believe much of our character is based in the decisions we make, and when it comes down to it, many people talk about how they'd like to be, but never implement the steps necessary to get there. people who "fail" to become a better them, i believe they do not achieve it for two main reasons:
they don't take the time to accurately assess what (emotional) labor will be required
they feel unwilling to accept the consequences that come from changed decisions
a lot of the most inspired people i know (including me) struggle to embody a higher self when we don't sit down and think through the task before us. oftentimes, sitting down to be vulnerable and honest about the challenge can be fatiguing enough that we feel like giving up altogether. it is very easy to remain how you've already been; it requires an immense force of self to change your own direction and momentum. changing our sense of self means waking up every day and, despite the fluctuations in how much we "feel like it", committing to the labor of growing ourselves.
it means asking (and journaling about!) challenging questions like:
what parts of my life will this change impact?
what does the new me do that i didn't do before?
if i walk through a typical day for previous me, how would new me approach those tasks? are there new tasks?
how often do i need to _______?
what motivates me, and is that tied to a sense of self that is harmful?
why is it important to me now to change?
what are going to be difficult points for me? what are things that have tripped me up before?
when we invest this effort in ourselves, we are helping this future self not get caught up in a trap of unintended, unintentional, conditioned behaviors. when we know the amount of energy that will be required to transform ourselves, we can portion it and pace ourselves so as to not burn out - a common outcome that leads people to lose sight of why the new self is important in the first place.
second, we need to be prepared to accept the consequences of our changed self, by asking questions about potential "losses" and grief that may come with it. i do not think it is an overstatement to say that growing is painful and can be traumatic; we often need to break in order to reform ourselves in an intentional shape. it is important that we understand growing is not all joy, and that we can still experience a lot of heavy grief while doing what is right for us.
here are some of the grief-processing questions i ask myself when reinventing me:
does this new me go to the same places i was used to before?
is this new me passionate about the same things i loved before?
does this new me have the same habits as i had before?
what will i do if i find something isn't aligned with this new me?
how will i comfort myself, if i find my previous comforts are harmful to my new vision?
and importantly: does this new me interact with the same people?
connect differently
lastly, a major reason why people struggle to integrate new parts of themselves: their interpersonal relationships, their support network. i know that i, as a very resilient and capable person, can achieve many things on my own. but doing so on my own (for me) leads to an under-fulfilling life, a life where i know that i am okay but not at my highest potential. our values are the things we should do whether anyone is with us or not, but having support and intimacy in our connections can enrich our ability to thrive while making ourselves anew.
as we change, many of our relationships will need to change to. but you may find that people are resistant to growing with you; perhaps they are only willing to be with one part of you, something they grew to feel comfortable with. i find this is often the case, and that people can feel surprisingly threatened by change; even if you are not demanding (or even talking about) any changes from your loved ones, they will sense the new parts of you and may feel abandoned or forgotten. spaces that once felt like they were always safe for you may start to feel like you no longer fit there, that you have to squeeze and tighten your spirit to fit in. it is up to you to decide to what extend you will ask your surroundings to change along with you, but here are a number of questions i ask about my connections when i am preparing to transform:
who is willing to grow with me? do they understand the amount of labor involved?
looking at the people i've been connected to, why are we connected in the first place?
is it from convenience ("we happened to go to the same school")?
is it from shared values or vision ("we both are working towards x")?
does that person inspire you, challenge you?
do they symbolise a form of comfort that will remain important in the new you?
are my connections aware of and consenting to how i see them, how i represent them in my mind?
are there relationships that i will keep but that will have to change (frequency of communication; relationship structure; etc)?
will i need to welcome new people and spaces into my life? do i have the connections i will need in order to thrive?
without aligned, supportive relationships, we can feel like our changes are excessive, destructive, ungrounded - or that it simply doesn't feel worth it to embody the new you without others to share it with. it is valid and real to feel that way when growing. none of us exists entirely alone, so when we are building a new sense of self, i think it makes a lot of sense to invite our surroundings into a conversation about the change we anticipate. again, we can achieve beautiful, difficult things on our own, but having aligned and supportive relationships can help us blossom with a lot less pain and a lot more bliss.
you are as multiple as the stars.
welcoming new parts of self forward is a continual process that i revisit every year, and throughout the year; i change with the seasons, and wherever i find i am in need of a new me. to protect me. to teach me. to laugh with me. within myself, within my temple, live multiple spirits, each capable of a different kind of magick.
it is deeply nourishing to me to know that i am not just one thing, and that if i can envision something, i can also find it in me. it is my hope that you will use the tools in this article to climb towards a more ascended, more emotionally-present, more true 'you'. it is your divine right to be many things. we are made of millions of stars and contain all of their potentials within our spirits; may you hold your multitudes of shapes with gentle determination and a firm grace.
Amani Michael
intuit.hue founder + guide
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